What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 07:24
I don,t even have a pension.
Im still living with it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What has been your best sexual experience?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I write beautiful poetry .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i do to all so called friends.?
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why am I so afraid that gun owners have set traps to kill me outside my house or my car?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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It was going to be , some day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I said to her
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was 9 years of age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was in good health!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She loved him until the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My family never makes their pension either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I have no regrets .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One cannot live in the past .
I waited trembling.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Would this be the day?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He knew the spot.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it wasn’t much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was very sick at this time too.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Comes on , in middle age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But, we were locked up after school.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Who then, do I blame.?
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ive learnt so much.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was seconnd youngest,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So, i spoilt her more .
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why did i forgive my father ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.